[Alua] Hi y’all, this is Alua. It’s been so much fun getting to know you. Thank you so much for deciding to join me on this day.
[Ricki] Honored to be here with my new best friend. Last minute, you said, “Where can I be? Here?” I said, “I didn’t even know what this conference was two weeks ago.” But when she says yes, you show up. Here we are.
[Alua] Thank you, thank you so much. I want to say, though, I never ever could have predicted, in all of my years, that I would be interviewing you, Ricki Lake. Okay, but life is just full of plot twists and turns, and then we find ourselves on a stage with you.
[Ricki] Absolutely. And it’s so weird for me, you guys, because I’ve never used one of these. You know, I’m old school. I had a lav, I had a handheld. Um, but it’s great. It’s so great. I mean, I’m such a fan, Alua, a huge fan of your work, your book. Come on, her book! So, the work you do, I was a fan from the get-go. So it’s a pleasure. You can ask me anything. I’m an open book.
[Alua] Thank God, ‘cause here we go. We just gotta remember that people are listening to us.
[Ricki] So, okay, all right. We’re gonna do our best. I’m willing to share it all.
[Alua] The conversations we’ve had lately have been really juicy, ranging from grief to death to psychedelics to pop culture to periods to birth to death. Like, all of it, in a very short amount of time. What a treat!
[Ricki] Absolutely.
[Alua] Um, it’s famously said, well, we hear that you say that you did not want to die being known for doing baby mama DNA tests on your show.
[Ricki] Did I say that? Did you? I think maybe I did.
[Alua] Familiar? Yeah, it does. What did you intend to do with that massive platform you created that supported so many of us?
[Ricki] I mean, the truth is, you guys, I went on the air when I was 24 years of age, so I was the youngest talk show host. I didn’t know who I was. So, the idea that I was giving advice or, you know, like moderating a panel of very dysfunctional people at times, I mean, I really, it kind of was very presumptuous. But I think, um, I found myself later in life, and really through 9/11. I mean, I was talking to David earlier about my experience on September 11th in New York City. I had a two-month-old and a four-year-old, and I witnessed the, firsthand, the plane hit the building. And that really changed, changed the trajectory of my entire life. Like, I felt like at that moment, I was going to die, and I’m going to die with this talk show being like what I’m known for. And I really soul-searched after that experience and thought, “Where can I be more impactful? Where, what do I care about? Where can I make a difference?” And it was then that I chose to leave my job, my talk show. I left my marriage, and I left New York City, where I was living for a long time, and I started soul-searching. And I realized that I wanted to focus on my birth experience and shedding light on normal birth, out-of-hospital birth. And I, what became the documentary, The Business of Being Born. So, you know, yeah. So, thank you. It’s the thing I’m most proud of in my career. I’ve been, I’ve been around for a very long time. You all know me from Hairspray at 18. And it really was The Business of Being Born where I feel like I came into my own. I found my voice, and it’s making a difference. That film is 17 years old, and it’s just as relevant today as it was when it came out.
[Alua] Absolutely. Are you all familiar with this documentary, The Business of Being Born? Okay, I feel yeah, it shifted how I view birth, certainly. And one thing that I’ve been really appreciating lately is noticing how what you are part of and impacting how we viewed birth, the same change is now starting to happen with how we viewed death. Do you see any similarities in the two movements?
[Ricki] Absolutely. I mean, it’s just this right of passage that we all, well, not all, not all of us become mothers or parents, but definitely we’re all going to die. And I think having the reverence for the experience, being connected to the experience, not being numbed, I mean, I can’t, I can’t really focus on death, because that’s not my wheelhouse. But as far as birth, I mean, for me, I really wanted to be an active participant in this experience of becoming a mother and giving birth. And I got to have that more with my second than with my first. You know, I was given, you know, the cascade of intervention. And there’s nothing wrong, like, like, having become a mother in whatever way is magical and sacred. But for me, you know, a woman can really come into that primal power. I mean, I look back on that day of having my baby, which, you know, if you watch the movie, I’m giving birth in my bathtub in my New York City apartment, and I mean, I get such strength, especially through the stuff I suffered later, losing my partner to suicide and getting through that. I mean, all the, the journey that I’ve been on, I go back and I tap into my primal power in that experience.
[Alua] Thank you so much for sharing that, because I think those of us that have not given birth are, well, I’m certainly curious about the experience and what it creates out of somebody. But I notice time and again how often many of you who have given birth talk about how a part of you has to die in order for that to come to pass. Would you agree?
[Ricki] I do agree with that. Yeah, you shed, you become a different you, you know, and in that experience for me, being not numbed in any way, you know, being tapped into all of it, the agony and the ecstasy, it’s like death. It goes hand in hand. You can’t have the ecstasy without having the agony. And um, yeah, I’m so grateful, like, like, and that goes for all of my life experience. I mean, I’ve had a lot of trauma, a lot of things that have, that have been super challenging for me. And a lot of it in the public eye, because I’ve been a public figure since I’m 18 years old. But I wouldn’t change any of it, because it’s made me the best me I’ve ever been. All of it. Losing my husband almost eight years ago, it taught me so much. It taught me about love, about self-love, about self-acceptance, and and and appreciating just being alive.
[Alua] What a gift. Can we talk about Christian? Yes. So, I met you through my very good friend, one of my deathly besties, Claire Bidwell Smith. Where is Claire today?
[Ricki] Thank you for connecting us, Claire.
[Alua] Claire says she had three natural births because of Ricki.
[Ricki] Thank you, yeah. An absolute treat. Means so much to me. Thank you.
[Alua] So, we got to meet through Claire, and in the time since then, I’ve, I’ve learned so much about your life story. Um, can you tell me how Claire came into your life?
[Ricki] Yeah, Claire, I believe I did her podcast, and it was one of those things. Her podcast about grief, and she’s such a beautiful writer, and I’m such a huge fan of her work. All of you are like uber fans, right? And so, I was just a guest, and we became friends. I mean, we had like a really beautiful talk, and I invited her over, and she said yes. She came to my house in Malibu, and I shared more about my experience with my beloved Christian. And it was, it was immediate, like we just, we just were like soul sisters. And I feel the same way about you. And that doesn’t happen. It happens a lot to me. I will admit, I do bond and fall in love with people very quickly, but these two are extra special.
[Alua] Well, we all fell in love with you 20-something years ago, so it’s only fair. It’s um, what about Christian? Let’s talk about Christian. How did your experience of grief with Christian shape who you are today? How did grief impact you?
[Ricki] So, Christian Evans was my second husband. I was married to my first husband, and the father of my children, from 25 to 35. I met Christian in my early 40s, and I never thought I’d get married again. I had a very contentious divorce, and I just thought, “ I don’t need that anymore. I’m on my third marriage and it turns out I’m the marrying kind. Christina was super special. He was an alien, he would describe himself as that, he was bipolar. And when I met him he told me, he was fully transparent, I was diagnosed with bipolar and i didn’t think anything of it I was like oh yeah, I’m a control freak we all have our stuff like, I didn’t understand what that meant. I know he suffered with depression, he had chronic pain, he has a lot of issues but he was super magical and he was madly in love with me and I with him and we were together for six and a half years and we were together for four years before he had his first psychotic break which I did not know I mean it was the scariest, almost more shocking that experience of seeing him turn into another person than his ultimate death. And I tried to save him, I went to great lengths to do everything I could in my power to bring him to the doctors, it was really challenging. He had a second psychotic break two years after the first and ultimately he took his life in February of 2017 and I’m a manifester you guys, I get shit done, and when it comes to fixing him I couldn’t fix him, I couldn’t save him. Corie McMillan who works with you at Going With Grace is here, I hope you all know Corie, Corie is amazing, where are you? I love you so much. I’m seeing Corie for the first time in a number of years. And Corie was kind enough to do the celebration of life for Christian when he passed.
We all met during a medicine journey weekend, um, ayahuasca, to be fully transparent. And um, just Christian cracked me open. Like, what I can say is, through loving him and losing him, again, I’m like the, I’m the best version of myself because of the way he loved me. And yes, he left me, but I believe he spared me. He didn’t leave me. He is right here. And I’ve just had so much validation that this was supposed to happen. You know, ‘cause I struggled for a long time, like, “Why me? Why is this happening to me? Why, what’s, what’s the lesson in this?” And I feel like I’ve learned so many lessons. I’ve learned, like, like, I’ve just learned so much about love and about, um, we’re still connected. You know, they don’t, they don’t, they aren’t gone. I mean, I, and I, and and he had to leave for me to have this beautiful, abundant life that I appreciate every time I wake up in gratitude. I am so, so appreciative of this beautiful life that I’ve had with him and now without him, with my new partner. And um, yeah, I feel like, you know, just there’s, there’s so much for me to share about him and his legacy. You know, he’s left so much. I made this beautiful documentary about cannabis, the medicinal aspects of cannabis, because of him. I was not even, I, I didn’t, I was such a Nancy Reagan disciple when I did that talk show, you guys. I was like, “Just say no to everything.” I was like, “Ew, judgment, fear.” I was just, I was, I was so close-minded. And it’s like, when I say “cracked me open,” me doing ayahuasca up in Northern Cali, what, what, Ricki, what are you kidding? But um, I just, I just want, I just want to share that I just really feel for those people that struggle with mental illness and the loved ones that they have to, you know, try to fix or they leave behind. I mean, I just feel like my story is worth sharing to try to tap in and connect with those people that are also going through it.
[Alua] Thank you so much for that. It’s wildly important, and I think it allows people to be seen in their own struggles. Uh, one of the things that you share that I find so powerful is how love doesn’t change because a death occurs. You know, the relationship has to change form, but sometimes the love, in fact, feels amplified because we no longer have them the way that we did. In what ways, like, how did you meet yourself in grief? Who did you meet in your grief?
[Ricki] How did I meet myself in grief? I mean, I think I was a hot mess.
[Alua] Like, a lot of us are, yeah.
[Ricki] I mean, I didn’t know how to make, like, make sense of it. Like, I wanted, you know, I’m so kind of pragmatic, like, and I just wanted to get over it, get on with my life. And I think, um, because I’m a public figure, I had to share it, and I, and that was really, I think, helpful for me because I found so many other people are struggling, you know, people that are struggling with bipolar disorder. And so, it was, it was helpful. But I think I tried going to groups, you know, I tried going to a suicide survivors group. I mean, it just didn’t work for me. I just felt very alone. It felt so lonely, even though I had my friends, my friend Mandy is here, Mandy, my one of my best friends, literally physically holding me up, like, it was, I’m not kidding. I could not stand up. And I had my children, my two boys, who were, you know, one’s college age, the other was in high school, and they’re seeing me, like, unable to, like, keep it together. And um, I don’t think I did it right, you know, I don’t think, I don’t know if there’s a right way to handle grief. It’s so personal. And but I did the best I could, you know. I really did. And I’ve come out the other side, like, I do feel like I’m super emotional now, thinking about Christian and thinking about what those times were for me, but you know, I turned out okay?
[Alua] I think you’re doing pretty good. I think you’re doing pretty good.
[Ricki] Can I also add that my new husband, Ross, has been so receptive to hearing every story I have to share to this day about Christian. I talk about him a lot. I think about him a lot. He’s not holding me back. I feel like it’s additive, and I, you know, so, so my husband, Ross, who has a great sense of self, you know, and and knows who he is and knows this has nothing to do with, you know, it’s not anything he’s lacking. He, it, it’s, it’s additive to our relationship. And um, and I believe, I mean, I’m a huge believer in the connection to people who passed on, and that Christian brought Ross to me. I believe he brought me the man that he wished he could have been for me.
[Alua] How beautiful. It’s so lovely to see you loved in this way.
[Ricki] I’m the luckiest in love. I love you too. But you’re doing good, girl. You’re doing great. Yeah, yeah, you know it too. Yeah, yeah, I, I, I’m so lucky. Yeah, yeah.
[Alua] I’m curious about, we spent a lot of time in our relationship thus far, talking about, like, how grief moves and changes us, and who we end up as on the other side of it. Um, there was so much that you experienced with Christian’s death, and in the years since then, would you shift or change anything about that experience that you had?
[Ricki] That’s a really good question. I don’t think so. I mean, I definitely made mistakes, like, I definitely got involved in relationships, trying to, like, connect with people. I let men, a few men, take advantage of me, like, I started a business. I got into crypto. I’m really glad I got into crypto right now. But, like, I was, I, I should not have been, like, operating heavy machinery or making big decisions at that time. You know, I was, I partake, you know, I went to Burning Man for the first time, and I brought, I had my clothing made, and I had the clothing lined on the inside with Christian’s clothing, because we always wanted to go together, and we never got to. So, I got to bring him with me. I mean, I did so much honoring of him. Um, but I think it, it was like, it was like an up-and-down. It was not, you know, a linear, like, rise. It was definitely, you know, a few mess-ups along the way. But um, I don’t think I would, because all of it’s been a journey.
[Alua] I think most of us that have navigated grief understand that, first of all, there’s no right way to do it. And often, when we approach it thinking that there’s a correct way, that’s when we end up using grief for our human experience against ourselves as a weapon.
[Ricki] Can I ask you a question? Sure. How do we get better at handling death, whether it be our own or our loved ones? Like, what can we do? What could I have done differently?
[Alua] Why am I not at all surprised that Miss Ricki Lake is bringing the big guns to me on the stage right now? No big deal, question. Well, I don’t know what you could have done differently, but I will say that in hearing how you’ve alchemized and how you’ve been with grief, that you allowed yourself to go where you need to go during the time that you needed to. And I think that’s maybe one of the biggest calls that grief asks of us is to just be who we are. You know, one of the things that I, I love and struggle with about being human is that we get to give ourselves the opportunity to be the full breath of who we are at all times. That means being in our grief, allowing grief to crack ourselves open, allowing ourselves to meet ourselves over and over and over again in our grief. Um, because I don’t know, you know, I’ve grieved many things before, but I don’t know who I will be when grieving a particular thing and so I want to continue giving myself grace to meet myself in that grief time and again. And I think as long as we allow ourselves to do that we create space for us to be human to be the very very messiest versions of ourselves, to allow ourselves to be loved there and held there and also to trust that the experiences that we have along the way make us resilient enough to approach whatever it is that we may meet along the way in our lives including death, including grief. Yeah. Greif makes us I think thicker, fuller, richer. I don’t mean the waistline although it may, I end up eating a lot of fries when I’m grieving. My god I eat so much in my grief, um I know some people don’t much but I just shove shit in there to make myself feel better.
[Ricki] Yeah when I get anxious or I get upset I turn to food. I’m not one of those people that loses my appetite, just not in the cards.
[Alua] No. And that also is an expression of grief. Sometimes there’s so many different expressions and I think when we allow ourselves the grace to just do what is coming naturally to us that when we get to be our thickest fullest human selves. What role do you think storytelling plays in our healing process? Like the story that you tell about Christian, the stories that you tell in the world…
[Ricki] I mean, I’m a super authentic person. What you see is what you get. I’ve been since I don’t know how to be anything but that. Um, and sharing my story and hearing others and having a sense of community, you know, not in a formal, for me, you know, I call what I went on in my healing journey kind of a pilgrimage. It was just like, ‘Go, try pretty much anything.’ And yeah, by being authentic and… it brings up, like, when I shaved my head, and most of you probably know, I shaved my head like five years ago. I was dealing with hair loss, and it was eating me up. It was causing me so much shame and pain, and I just had had it. And I’m coming up on the five-year anniversary of that, and that, I mean, it’s kind of a death in a way. I mean, it, it, it was like a huge transformation that went beyond the physical. But I kind of came out and shared this very personal secret that I’ve been carrying for a long time. And by doing that, the, the, I was going to say backlash, but there wasn’t backlash. I thought there would be backlash. I thought I was going to be made fun of. I could just hear Howard Stern saying mean things about me. It was, it was incredible, like, that I opened the floodgates of a conversation that hadn’t been started before. And that was super powerful for me in my, again, my journey of self-love and self-acceptance. And I think, um, I think that happened probably because of Christian and what I went through with that. Like, all of it is like part of my story. And getting the strength and tapping into the way he loved me and having the courage to just take that buzzer and have it on camera and then put it out to the world, you know. But I, and I had to do that. Like, I didn’t want to tell anybody. I wanted to do this privately, but because I’m a public figure, and it’s funny ‘cause Corie’s here, and Corie McMillan had shaved their head right when I met Corie, and so that stayed with me. And years later, I just, I just felt like I needed to take charge of this. And if, if anybody saw me and didn’t know my story, they’d think I, God forbid, had cancer or was crazy, like, you know. So, yeah, in doing that, I mean, I, I hope I’m answering your question, but I think telling my story and sharing it with the world has been super healing, not just for me, but for others as well.
[Alua] You grieved publicly. The experience of grief can be so overwhelming, as you were saying before. It can be very isolating as well. It feels very lonesome. But when you do it in a way that millions of people are watching, that has to feel doubly overwhelming.
[Ricki] Yeah, absolutely. And, and I didn’t expect that. Like, I never think, that’s the other thing about me is I don’t really, I don’t really, I jump feet first. I don’t know if you’re this way, Alua, but I jump, and I pretty much always land on my feet. Mandy would attest. I just, I don’t think of like the consequences. I just do what I feel is right in the moment. I’m super impulsive. And it’s worked out for me. I’m 56, and I’m not going to change anytime soon. So, you know, it’s just, this is just who I am.
[Alua] It seems like it’s all working out pretty good for you.
[Ricki] Yeah, I’d say I’m, I’m thumbs up on things so far. Yeah, life keeps getting better, and that’s like another thing I love sharing is like, I’m 56. It’s supposed to be like, like, going downhill. It’s supposed to, I mean, you know, just what I’ve learned. And, and I feel like it’s just only getting better. It’s only more fun for me. And, um, it’s super fulfilling, like, all of it.
[Alua] Well, to age certainly is a gift. Yeah, because the alternative means that we’re dead.
[Ricki] That’s true.
[Alua] You know, and so I’m like, All right, we’ll take some more wrinkles and crackly knees and gray hairs, but also deeper knowledge of self. You know, deeper knowledge of the other, deeper knowledge that there may be no other deeper knowledge of like what, who I am.
[Ricki] I love, I love getting older. I love, I celebrate my age. And, um, and the fact that my body, you know, like, like, I used to hate working out. I used to hate, you know, it was like a chore, was like a thing I had to get off the list. Now, it’s like, being 56, the fact that my body moves, and I hike every morning, and I do Pilates three days a week, and that I’m not in pain, and that I can wear a tiny mini dress in front of all of you.
[Alua] Yeah, girl!
[Ricki] I really appreciate this, this, this body of mine.
[Alua] These bodies are the sight of so much. They are, they are marked upon by other people based on some biological things like race or height or weight or eye color or even where the bodies are born and where they grow up. And these bodies often also create the opportunity for a sight of liberation if we choose. You know, the bodies themselves can be a sight of liberation. So much of the work of death work is about honoring the body, like what the body experienced while it was here. And what I’m hearing you say is that you get to celebrate this body of yours by exercising it, by moving it, by eating good food, by, etc., by, yeah. Um, as we’re getting closer, as you continue to age, as we all are on our eventual march toward death, how would you encapsulate a life well-lived with all that you’ve experienced in it thus far?
[Ricki] You’re, you’re looking at it like, I feel like I, I, I hope when, when I die, I want people to say, “Man, she lived well.” You know, I have, like, gotten that brass ring, and I’ve held on tight. And I’m just, like, I’m, I like I said, I’m so lucky. I’ve had all this life experience. I’ve achieved, I’ve overcome. I come on, I was the fat girl in Hairspray that got the guy and won the contest. Hello. Like, I mean, it doesn’t get better than that. I just feel so grateful. Um, and you know, I don’t have a relationship with my mother. I don’t, like, it’s not been perfect at all. But it’s, it’s, I wouldn’t trade places with anyone else.
[Alua] Yeah, yeah. And I think that’s maybe the best that we can all, for as we approach our dying, yeah.
[Ricki] Are we approaching? I don’t feel like I, I think I’m still way living.
[Alua] I mean, who knows? We’re living all the way up until the very end, aren’t we? Who knows? It could be 56, 98. We’re going to live all day.
[Ricki] I want to know you till the very end. I hope so.
[Alua] Okay, let’s do it. Yeah, thank you. Thank you for joining me on stage. Thank you all.
[Ricki] I love you.
[Alua] I love you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I mean, we can keep going.
[Ricki] Are we talking more? Oh, I thought that was it. I thought that was, like, too. We should take audience questions. No, I’m kidding. I’m kidding. I should come running out. I thought, “Oh my God, that was such a perfect ending.”
[Alua] It felt like an ending. We ended well. I think we’re going to call it. I’m, I’m not sure. Do we want to keep going?
[Ricki] Yeah, well, let’s talk about your book and, like, I mean, what has that experience been like? Because you’ve just burst on the scene. I mean, I know everyone in this world knows you so well, but this book has [become a] New York Times bestseller, and it is tapped into, like, the minds and hearts of so many people. What has that been like for you?
[Alua] It’s been a bit overwhelming, but also, you know, I was sitting in little rooms and mountain towns, click-clack-clacking and sniffing and crying for years, trying to get this thing done. Put a lot of heart into it, you know, got it done, sent it out into the world, and then it took on a life of its own. You know, the book lives outside of me. My name is on it, a lot of the words came through me, but it is its own thing and is having a relationship with folks that’s got nothing to do with me at this point anymore. I did my part, which was to cut myself open and get the words out. And now, what it will do is not my responsibility or my business any longer. So, it was hard, and my hard part is over. Yeah, now, it gets rest.
[Ricki] It comes out in paperback next, and you go on the book tour and the whole thing.
[Alua] It comes out in paperback on April 29th. And maybe a little tour, but hopefully, a lot of time in a hammock and sitting in the desert and staring into space and twirling with my friends and sitting by your fire and drinking wine and, you know, living life.
[Ricki] Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, what’s next, besides that? After, other, what, after hanging in my hammock in Malibu? Yeah, is there another book? Could a movie be made of the book?
[Alua] Girl, you’re getting excited in front of all these people. In front of all these people. Let’s see, let’s see, let’s see, let’s, let’s, let’s see.
[Ricki] I’m much more of an open book than she is.
[Alua] Well, I just don’t know. I’m open to the possibilities. Yeah, I’m open to the possibilities. Uh, I think that in the past, I’ve been fortunate to partner with people that share a message, you know, that the vision lives in them as well. And I’d like to see the vision of how we die show up as authentically and as really and as gritty and as messy as our lives are. You know, that’s what I would like to see, eventually.
[Ricki] Yeah, yeah.
[Alua] We’ll see, we’ll see. I don’t want any Pollyanna death. You know what I mean? We’re not going to wrap a bow on it and make it all pretty, ‘cause that’s not what life is, and that’s certainly not what death is.
[Ricki] But you do have a vision of how you want to die.
[Alua] I do have a vision of how I want to die. Yeah, and I’d like to reach the end, uh, having, at least having, at least experienced the values that underwrite that vision. You know, we talk a lot about preparing for death and dying. I’m sure many of you have heard me talk about preparing for the end and how we plan, etc. And it seems like a waste of time to some folks, like, “Why bother if we cannot control it at all?” And yet, the hope is that as I envision the end that I want to meet, I create an opportunity for me to see what my value system is. I can live my life all the way up until that end that I want to reach. That allows me to consistently check in with who I’m being, how I want to be, how I want my life to be. So that when I reach an end, whatever that end is, I have lived my life well, regardless of how I died. If I live authentically, if I fill out the edges of my life, if I live planted firmly in it, no matter the end, hopefully, it will be on a back deck, looking at the sky with the people I love nearby. And if it’s not, well, damn, I have done a whole bunch that I never could have imagined, and I’m sitting on a stage talking to Ricki Lake. Doing okay. We’re doing all right.
[Ricki] Do you, I have a question. I’m going to follow up. Do you believe that we get to be reunited with our beloveds that have passed before us?
[Alua] Big question.
[Ricki] I believe, do you all believe? I believe, I believe.
[Alua] I’ll say this: if that belief system allows us to approach death with any ease at all, then I fully support it. I believe that there are a lot of ways that we continue the bonds with people that have died afterward. And we talk a lot about continuing bonds and training doulas, and you know, just even how we’re thinking about death overall. And if, if, in somebody’s belief system, it allows them to feel gentler and softer about the death of somebody that they care about because they believe that one day they will be reunited, F*** yeah, all the way. Oh, shit, sorry. [Laughter] My mom’s going to be so mad at me.
[Ricki] Yeah, I’m sorry. I got you to curse. I do believe, you know, yeah, it’s because you, nobody can prove me otherwise, right? So, it, it’s comforting. It’s comforting to me. And I know that Ross, my beloved, my new beloved, knows that there’s space for all of us up there together. So, he’s, he’s even on board with that.
[Alua] Do you believe, desire to be reunited with Christian one day?
[Ricki] I do. I, I mean, I, I do. ‘Cause here’s the thing, like I said, he’s like an, he was an alien. Like, he was not made for this human form. He was too sensitive. He couldn’t have the news on. It was so disturbing. God, if he was alive now with what the news is like, I mean, yeah, just I shudder to think. So, yeah, he’s, he’s exactly whatever form he’s in, he’s exactly where, doing what he’s supposed to be doing. And I do feel watched over, and I feel like we made a pact to each other. When I married him, I knew full well that he suffered. He was in chronic pain. He was never going to hold a job. That I was very much in the caretaker role. And I was okay. I signed up for that. And so, it’s kind of like when he chose to leave, he’s now looking over me. I, I believe it. I feel it. And um, every 11:11, I see, um, I know it’s a, it’s a message of eternal soulmates. And there’s more than enough room for my new 6’6” guy. And uh, yeah, he’s a big one, I like them big.
[Alua] Okay, a word.
[Ricki ] Yeah, it’s, um, I, I hope I hope I get to see him again. I hope that for you too. I hope that for both of you.
[Alua] Thank you so much for sharing so deeply of yourself with all these folks with me on the stage today. I love you. I love you, dearest Ricki. I think we’re done now.
