How ritual, cultural understanding, and authentic death care can transform our relationship with mortality. A conversation between End Well’s Tracy Wheeler and Joél Simone Maldonado (The Grave Woman).
Tracy: You look beautiful.
Joél: I appreciate it—thank you. I had to pick up my grandma this morning—she’s 88, still sharp and mobile. Amazing.
Tracy: Nice. And, welcome as an official End Well speaker.
Joél: I’m so excited.
Ritual, made usable
Joél: What’s alive for me right now is ritual—and how hard it is for people to embrace because we treat it like something external. I’ve been working with a “spirit-to-spirit” method I learned through my teachers. We can use different words—spirit, essence, core—but it’s three levels:
- You: thank yourself, feel where your essence lives (or doesn’t) in your body.
- Guides & ancestors: acknowledge them, ask for direction.
- The All: whatever you believe in—even the void—thank it for making space for you.
I’d love to teach that and then do a small ritual onstage so folks leave with something they can actually use. If I can title the talk today, it’s Culture Is the Medicine for Grief. Beliefs about death and what we’re “allowed” to do are taught by culture—or by the absence of it. In some languages, that’s ancestor veneration; in others, it’s speaking names, candles, songs. Different words, same heartbeat.
Permission to slow down
Tracy: I’m also thinking about people caring for someone at home. When the person is no longer breathing and the time of death is called, families often feel confused: Am I allowed to touch the body? What are the rituals? Can I mess it up? Do I just let someone take the body away? Then guilt sets in later: I didn’t know what to do. I hope you can help give people permission—even with no formal ritual—to touch, sit with, and venerate the body long enough to allow some closure and make that passage less abrupt.
Joél: That brings up action steps. Slow down. You don’t have to make decisions in five minutes—or even 24 hours. Medical professionals are trained to rush; you can exercise autonomy and honor that space. For those caring for the dead, we can also ask how we accommodate that space when it isn’t given elsewhere.
Tracy: And people can ask for time that’s legally theirs. The hospice nurse can call time of death, and the body doesn’t have to go immediately. But you have to know to ask.
Joél: Yes. And I want to be explicit: sitting with the body can be traumatic in some circumstances—trauma cases or very difficult deaths. I don’t want to give false hope. I want to empower people with choices. From my perspective, the moment someone takes their last breath, they enter the ancestral realm. Veneration can begin then: slowing down, taking time, holding space—within the bounds of what’s safe and right for that family.
Calling before the last breath
Tracy: Do you see one person in the circle of care who’s more willing to do the pre-work—the “Who do we call? What happens?” stuff—even when others aren’t ready?
Joél: All the time. Often it’s the oldest daughter—sometimes the oldest son. Sometimes no one wants to talk; sometimes estranged families hand everything to administrators or lawyers. That, too, is ritual—the rhythm of how our families solve problems. And with a found family, the legal dynamics really matter. Naming who’s empowered to act can be an act of love.
Tracy: If a family reaches out before death, how do you guide them?
Joél: I ask questions so they educate me about their needs: religious and cultural beliefs; what they’re comfortable or not comfortable with; who the dying person wants in the room. Then I give options. That differs by state—I’m licensed in two, not fifty—so I’m careful there. If someone is actively dying, I do my best to connect them with a death doula. Death is not a solo sport; it’s a team effort with multiple layers. And sometimes the most helpful thing is being on the phone and listening. People need to feel like they’re doing something—talking is doing something.
What the dead teach us
Tracy: Have the dead taught you? Do bodies teach you?
Joél: Yes—constantly. Bodies communicate. Not verbally—spiritually, somatically. You have to listen. I’ll get a “prompting” doing cosmetics—mix two colors and suddenly it’s her lipstick. Families ask, “How did you know?” Or I’ll say a phrase, or suggest a song, and everyone breaks open. It’s not performance; it’s attention.
Tracy: Maybe part of the fear around dead bodies isn’t just safety myths. It’s the intensity of the unknown. Ritual can protect our minds while we open to mystery—touch the hand, say the words, light the candle.
Joél: You’ve got me thinking in action steps. First: slow down. You don’t have to make decisions in five minutes. In a medical system that rushes you, reclaim your autonomy. And for clinicians: even if you’re trained to move fast, how do you hold space when a family needs time?
Tracy: You’ve got so much amazing wisdom to share. I can’t wait to hear your talk!
Joél: Thank you for inviting me!
Tracy: Thank you!
Joél Simone Maldonado will be speaking at End Well’s upcoming conference on the theme “Culture is the Medicine for Grief.” The event features diverse perspectives on death, dying, and bereavement, including speakers addressing dementia care, ADHD and grief, medical aid in dying, and bereavement policy reform.